What if I told you there was an alien invasion horror-comedy you haven’t heard of?

And it has a solid cast.

What if I told you that it’s an attempted covid allegory?

Yeah, I know, but it’s not as a bad as it should be.

Let’s discuss.

ICK is a 2024 horror-comedy brought to us by writer/director Joseph Kahn and writers Samuel Lasky and Dan Koontz. Kahn’s name may not look familiar, but he’s one of the biggest music video directors of the last twenty years. He also directed one of the worst action movies of all-time in 2004’s Torque. Lasky and Koontz are less notable, but both have been working consistently in the industry for the last decade.

But, what’s our rule about writers on a horror movie?

2+ Writers = the kiss of death.

Not gonna lie, I’d totally back a shot for shot remake of High School Musical, if Brandon Routh plays the lead.

And this movie is a perfect example of why.

The film focuses on Hank, a recovering alcoholic working as a high school teacher in the same high school where his life had peaked over a decade prior. Things are finally starting to look up for Hank. He’s repurchased his father’s bar, he’s finishing out a successful school year as an educator, but then a strange alien fungus begins to devour the locals, turning them into gross vegan zombies. When the town council refuses to act, and the military refuses to provide aid, it’s up to Hank and his possible illegitimate daughter to save the day. Will Hank find a way to save his town, or will he just be another node for the ICK?

This movie could have been good.

This movie could have been unwatchable.

Two actors wondering why they don’t have better representation.

However, it’s somewhere in-between. I know I’m not the only one that feels that way as the IMDB.com user reviews bounce back and forth. Having three writers is part of the problem, but there’s so much more. Let’s start with the positives:

Brandon Routh is still awesome. He’s always been great and I don’t know why Hollywood dumpstered him. He was fantastic in Legends of Tomorrow and Chuck, and he was a damn good Superman. He’s great here, but the script and the editing ruined what could have been a cult-classic performance.

I wasn’t super familiar with Malina Pauli Weissman, and she was given dick all to work with here, but she’s a star on the rise. She has the nonverbal skills of an actor twice her age. The movie tries to force her to be the main character, while she’s written as an absolutely unlikable bitchy mean girl.

There is a subplot involving two of the most likeable horror supporting characters in film history that would have been a much better movie than what we got. Taia Sophia steals the show as the incredibly charismatic and socially awkward best friend with Zeke Jones as her +1. Their love story amidst the other bullshit going on would have been a better lens to see the movie through but therein lies the problem.

This movie can’t decide on its narrative focus.

These are four of the main characters in a film with dozens of named characters who each get 5 seconds of screen time.

The film constantly bounces around between characters and their various storylines, but it’s all so rushed and incoherent. Character’s personalities and motivations change constantly amid brutal montages of quick cuts and bad CGI. Which all leads to… nothing. There’s no actual resolution.

The film is cut like a music video.

Brutal De-aging. It all had an odd Vaseline sheen.

This isn’t an instant demerit, as the style can work (*see The Substance), but this movie tries to jam too many characters, too many one-liners, and too many set pieces into a script that feels like someone chopped up a television miniseries into a 93-minute theatrical release but fired the continuity department along the way.

There’s no set-up and no direction.

I feel like they’re mimicking my facial expression while watching the film.

The film never addresses the invasive alien fungus that’s infesting the world. We never get an explanation, key moment, or anything. Instead, we get a horrible cgi de-aged flashback sequence that feels like it lasts forever and boom were fifteen years in the future. I’ve been told that the film is supposed to be a parody of alien disaster movies like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or Independence Day. However, that’s bullshit. This movie is neither funny nor clever enough to be a parody. This film was obviously written to be a heavy-handed allegory of the Covid pandemic, where the red-pilled townies ignore the threat until it’s too late. However, by the time this movie was set to release, COVID was disproven by the Epstein Files as well as by multiple whistleblowers including a former Pfizer Vice President and multiple heads of state around the world. The film flips between a heavy-handed covid sermon and a poorly executed creature feature in jarring fashion.

I don’t mind a film being preachy, if the film is good. I learned my politics from John Carpenter, and I wish the current crop of filmmakers could take a note from him. One: If you shoot a politically fueled horror film, don’t puss out halfway through. If it was a parody, they wouldn’t have pivoted. Two: If you’re going to put politics in your movie, make a good movie.

This film feels like a Ponzi Scheme.

The movie has so many characters, all of which are recognizable actors. However, this isn’t an eight-hour Scorsese Netflix project. This is a 93-minute film that has more named characters than the film the movie borrows the most from, 1998’s The Faculty.

Like, there’s an asshole, ultra-woke boyfriend character who gets between our leads, however there’s no romance. Routh’s character has a possible familial bond with the lead actress, but the film makes it seem like everyone in town thinks he’s a pedophile out of nowhere. It’s supposed to be funny, but it feels like it comes out of nowhere. He has a good reputation as a teacher and a dude from everything we see early in the film. The ultra-woke boyfriend keeps appearing as if he were supposed to be a final boss or something, but due to there being so many storylines and characters, his appearances feel like reshoots added in a rush at the end of production. His character doesn’t fit in the movie, especially since the film started with the heavy-handed Covid messaging. It’s like the filmmakers put him in at the end to lessen the possibility of getting labeled woke.

Not everyone can make a horror movie.

Filmmakers and studios think that horror is a lesser genre. They think you can just pump out a low-effort dud and it’ll do gangbusters because it’s labeled horror. However, horror has the best filmmakers competing to outdo each other with quality productions on strict budgets. Horror has always been the genre for great filmmakers to stretch their legs. We don’t need any more half-assed, big budget bullshit clogging up the pipes. We expect bad indies, because that’s a filmmaker paying their dues and a lot of times, they’re actually good, or so bad they’re good, but this was just a waste of my time.

It hurts, because the cast includes so many actors I root for, but they were given a script that has no coherency and looks like it was edited by Edward Scissorhands.

Jeff Fahey deserves better.

Can’t recommend this one, folks.

But if you wanna take a look, this one is streaming on Prime video (as of this writing).

ICK (2024) - Movie Review