So Cold the River (2022) - Movie Review

What if I told you a movie with the look and budget of a Canadian television movie, and a script that is equally intriguing and asinine, is actually an absolute blast?

Let’s discuss.

So Cold the River is a 2022 supernatural thriller written and directed by Paul Shoulberg. Shouldberg isn’t a household name. However, he’s been extremely active in feature films since 2010. It’s impressive not only that he’s essentially been constantly working on productions for the last fifteen years. I was not familiar with his work, but his films have solid ratings of 5.5+ on IMDb, except for this one. Which we will discuss in just a moment.

The film focuses on Erica Shaw, a once-rising star in documentary film, who's been reduced to making video packages for funerals. One of the decedent’s family members recognizes her and demands that she make a documentary about the family’s secrets. When Erica says no, the woman leverages doxxing Erica, and due to the controversy that ended her career, Erica has no choice. She travels to the family’s origin point in a remote community famous for its magical mineral springs, and infamous for the serial killer that tormented it in the olden days. Erica delves into the history of a place no one should live, where violence is common, and curses are forever.

Okay, gotta be honest. This one is impossible to summarize, and that’s part of the problem.

This film is too short for the story it wants to tell.

The script is loosely based on the best-selling novel by Michael Koryta of the same name. The name is about all the film shares with the book other than general plot ideas. The book is much more nuanced and direct in its storytelling. I’m not sure why the filmmakers decided to gender-swap the main character of the book and split that character into two separate individuals. It destroyed the essential motivation that drives the story. The gender swap wouldn’t have been as big a deal if they hadn’t made the second switch. In the book, Eric, the protagonist, is the son of the subject of the documentary. It’s a personal connection that drives the character to push forward, even as his life unravels in a fever-dream of blood and fire. In the movie, my viewing partner and I were mystified by Erica’s choices, as nothing she did made any sense. There’s also a convoluted subplot concerning a serial killer, whom Erica knew was evil, but still lobbied to get him released from prison, which just muddied the waters even more. Then you get the fact that the male protagonist of the book is split, but wait… It’s even weirder. The characters he’s split into, Erica and Josiah, have a hot and heavy affair. It’s not surprising that Koryta’s name is absent from the IMDB page and most other marketing materials.

It’s as if the filmmakers despised the subject material.

So, that large caveat aside, the movie is fun as hell with a group. The characters do things that make 0 sense, and not in a horror movie stereotype way, in a bananas—WTF were the writers trying to do type of way. It makes for a fun, unpredictable dumpster fire that you can laugh at. The first half of the film is actually pretty solid and had us hooked on the mystery, but the final 30-45 minutes were an absolute shit-show.

If not for the brilliant performance of Kevin Cahoon, I don’t know if I could have made it through. Kevin Cahoon plays the activities director at the shady resort at the center of the mystery. His performance was incredible, and honestly, I would have had a movie about Kevin just doing his normal job at the eerie establishment. Based on my 10+ years of experience in Hospitality, I can attest that Kevin’s performance was absolutely accurate to every single activities director I’ve ever met.

Here’s the thing: all the actors were outstanding (Kevin was the best). Everyone in this movie gave life to their characters, providing layered, nuanced portrayals. It really saved the movie, because if it were just the horrible script and the bland, colorless setting, I would have turned it off thirty minutes into the runtime.

The cast is an impressive ensemble.

Bethany Joy Lenz is a wonderful actress who is not only beautiful but also has an incredible vocal tone that draws the viewer in. She has that young Cathleen Turner vibe. I hope she gets into better horror movies, because even with this horrible script, she was mesmerizing.

The great Michael J. Rogers pilots the devilish villain of the piece. Rogers’ masterful performance in the tremendously underrated Beyond the Black Rainbow made me a fan for life. Every single performance he gives has a palpable intensity, and this film is no different. He turned a character that was written like a caricature of H.H. Holmes into something that actually feels threatening.

Katie Sarife gives another standout performance here, too. The beautiful young woman continues to show she has the charisma to be the lead actress to carry a franchise. I hope a filmmaker gives her the chance.

I could go on and on.

The cast was not the problem here.

The special effects, location shooting, and sound design were wonderful. The team assembled was dedicated to the film; that much is obvious. However, the modern problem of subpar writing and a script that feels like it was written on the back of a cocktail napkin can’t be overcome.

I still recommend watching this one, just maybe have a little flower or alot of alcohol first.

This film is available free on Amazon Prime Video as of this writing.